I've Gotta Get Off The Porch!

The saying goes; "If you can't pee with the big dogs, get off the porch." Welllll, I gotta get off the porch.

Last night I was at home, settled in for a night of television, when my phone rang. Dickhead was on the other end, and he was intent on giving me a raging case of Red Ass. Rather than stay home and subject myself to yet another night of supreme aggravation, I decided to shut off my phones, and go out.

So I went to this place where I used to DJ, and hung out. It was nice. I knew just about everyone there, and I had a good time. The only thing is, people kept buying me beers. Not to be rude, I kept drinking them. Finally, somewhere around midnight, when I noticed that I was seeing everything in 3-D, I had to give the nix signal to the bartender (who is a hot little cutie named Frank, btw.) I had enough poker chips (that's what they use to call in a drink that's been paid for) in front of me to win a game of Texas Hold'em. By closing time, my 3-D vision had turned into Holy Fuck... How am I going to drive?!

Being that I donate to MADD every year, and being that my livelihood depends on my driver's license, through my beer soaked brain I decided to make a smart and mature decision. I let one of the guys drive me home.

....NO, THIS ISN'T GOING WHERE YOU THINK IT'S GOING.....

Anyway, I got home somewhere around 2:30 this morning, and collapsed on my couch. Promptly thereafter, the room tilted 90 degrees, and the couch slowly revved up to about 2000 rpm's. Promptly after that, I introduced myself to the Porcelain Princess and we got very close.

I don't remember making my way back to the couch, but I must have because that's where I woke up at 6 this morning, feeling like the entire Chinese army had marched through my mouth barefooted. Oh.... and the visegrips attached to my head at the temples? Not nice! Not to mention the crisis my bowels are suffering at this moment.

I have no idea how many Coor's Lights I had last night, but whatever the number, it was decidedly TOO MANY.

Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer pee with the big dogs, and it's time to get off the porch.

Just call me Einstein. I'm THAT fucking brilliant!